Beyond Vanilla Vocabulary
Introduction:
Before we dive into what it means to go Beyond Vanilla, let’s get on the same page with the language we use around here. If you’re new to kink, non-monogamy, or just unlearning the scripts you’ve been handed about love, sex, and relationships, understanding key terms is a game-changer.
Beyond Vanilla Concepts
🔹 Beyond Vanilla – Not just a cute name. This is about exploring pleasure, relationships, and intimacy on your own terms—free from shame, judgment, and societal limits. It’s about finding what works for you and unapologetically leaning into it.
🔹 Liberation – The art of unlearning all the B.S. about how love, sex, and pleasure “should” look. It’s about reclaiming your body, your boundaries, and your joy.
🔹 Pleasure Activism – A radical act. This is about centering pleasure as a form of resistance, healing, and self-care, especially for Black and marginalized folks who have been told pleasure isn’t for us. Spoiler: it absolutely is.
🔹 Connection – Not just about relationships, but how we relate. Deep, intentional connections—with ourselves, our partners, and our communities—are what make Beyond Vanilla more than just a vibe.
Kink & BDSM Terms
🔹 Kink – Anything that steps outside of mainstream sex norms. Power play, impact play, sensation play—if it brings you joy and is consensual, it’s kink.
🔹 BDSM – Short for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism—the umbrella term for power dynamics, control, and play that involves trust and negotiation.
🔹 Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) / Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) – Two different approaches to consent and safety in kink. SSC keeps things “safe, sane, and consensual,” while RACK acknowledges that all kink carries risk and encourages informed decision-making.
🔹 Aftercare – The TLC that happens after a scene—physical, emotional, or both. Because taking care of yourself and your partner(s) is just as important as the play itself.
Non-Monogamy Terms
🔹 Non-Monogamy – An umbrella term for relationship structures that do not center monogamy as the default or superior model. Unlike the term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)—which assumes monogamy as the norm and defines non-monogamy in relation to it—non-monogamy acknowledges that multiple relationship structures have existed globally throughout history. This is a decolonized approach to relationship diversity, rejecting the idea that monogamy is the “starting point” from which other relationships deviate.
🔹 Polyamory – Multiple relationships, full of love, emotional depth, and intentionality. Not just “dating multiple people”—it’s about forming real connections.
🔹 Relationship Anarchy – Throwing the rulebook out. Relationship anarchists reject hierarchies and let relationships unfold based on personal values, not social expectations.
🔹 Metamour – Your partner’s other partner. You may be besties, you may be strangers, but at minimum, you’re connected through a shared person.
Consent, Boundaries & Emotional Safety
🔹 Enthusiastic Consent – A hell yes or a no. If it’s not clear, it’s a no. Consent isn’t just the absence of a “no,” it’s the presence of an enthusiastic, excited yes.
🔹 Hard vs. Soft Limits – Hard limits are a firm no—no discussion needed. Soft limits are a maybe, depending on context, mood, or partner.
🔹 Compersion – Feeling joy from your partner’s joy—especially in non-monogamous dynamics. It’s the opposite of jealousy, and no, you don’t have to be “wired” for it. It’s a mindset shift.
🔹 Anchor Partner / Nesting Partner – An anchor partner is a steady, emotionally significant relationship, while a nesting partner is someone you live with. Some folks have both, some have neither—labels are just tools to communicate needs.
Next Steps
Now that you’ve got the language down, let’s take it a step further. In our next blog post, we’ll explore what it really means to go Beyond Vanilla and how it can open doors to new experiences, connections, and pleasure.
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